Dear Lady in the white Ford Focus,
Is your life really that busy that you do not have the time to put your makeup on before you leave for work? Are you that hideous looking that you can not wait to get to your office and then do it there? IS it that you somehow think it is impressive that you can put mascara on while driving? These are all questions that I would love to ask you. I wish someone would invent some sort of car to car intercom system. This way I could ask you these makeup questions and maybe get some tips and also let the guy next to me know that he is not invisible and I can clearly see him picking his nose. You are a bad influence on young drivers who are told not to text and drive but at least they are facing forward while texting. Your goddamn face is smashed into your rear view mirror....there is no way you can see the road.
You are disgusting. What the hell planet do you come from that openly spitting is acceptable? I mean honestly do you not know how gross that is? What goes through your mind? I think I will spit a giant gross lugey right here for all to see and admire. I am actually gagging while typing this letter to you. I feel sorry for your family because you must have a variety of disgusting bad habits.
The person you just made puke
If you are not going to pull anybody over can you please not park on this side street. You are causing more problems with the morons who are driving 100 miles and hour who then slam on their brakes because they see you sitting there. I have almost been killed twice on this road.
Not a speeder
Dear Outside Smoker Person,
Please stop smoking right outside the door. I am trying to leave and your fog of death smoke is preventing me from exiting safely. I understand you’re pissed that you can no longer smoke indoors when at one time you could smoke while getting a physical while your doctor was also smoking. But things change and now you’re hooked. I feel your pain but I have no interest in walking through your nicotine haze because the smell will stick to my clothes and ugh my hair. Gross. Please step at least ten feet from the door. K? Thanks
Me and My Lungs
Dear Guy on TV,
Why at your age must you stand behind the news reporter, who by the way is reporting on the shooting of a twelve year old girl, and wave your arms like an idiot? Seriously what they hell do you think is happening? Do you think your mom is home watching the news and then seeing your ridiculous behavior is like “Donald come quick Tommy is on the news flapping his arms like an idiot. Oh I am so proud.”
You are an idiot,
Dear Old Lady behind me in line,
When you suggested I let you in front of me because you only had two things and you needed to catch the bus I was willing to oblige. My parents raised me to respect my elders, however could you have maybe mentioned you would be paying with all change? Your little fingers digging into your wallet as you try to find the exact penny you would like to use. And then I saw you sitting in the supermarket cafe having a nice cup of joe. What happened to the bus? Did you miss it? Are you waiting for the next one? cause the stop is on the corner not in here. Just sayin. Or were you just playing the old lady card? Well you have won this time but next time......you won’t be so lucky.
Your arch enemy,
Dear Lady in the Ford F150,
You do not know how to drive a pickup. I assume it belongs to your husband and that is why you are bucking all the hell over the place. I am sure the transmission is going to be in awesome shape, that is if it doesn’t drop out of the damn thing. The worst thing is you’re on your cellphone too as if your driving wasn’t bad enough on its own. Who are you talking to? Is it the truck owner? Are you like....”Oh no I am doing just fine this thing rides like a car.” Because if you are you’re a damn liar!
Do us all a favor and stick to the station wagon or sedan you normally drive.
Lady behind you not in a truck because I am not stupid,
The word is supposedly not supposebly.
Dear Feet out of the window lady,
I know its summer and it’s hot and trust me after a long day wearing these shoes I am ready to take mine off too. Let them get some air. But is it really necessary for you to air them out of the car window? Why is the driver letting you put your smelly dirty feet up in their car? It is gross. Did you wash your feet today? Do they smell so bad that you have to put them outside or the driver will pass out causing the two of you to be hurt in a terrible smelly foot related car accident? Great….Now that we are at a red light and we are next to each other your god damn feet are practically in my face. It’s not cool.
Please stop feet are gross.
Dear lazy ass,
The shopping cart corral is there for a reason. It’s like ten steps from your car and yet you insist on thinking the tiny space between my car and your car is a good spot to leave your cart. Why are you so lazy? Are you so tired from shopping that you cannot bear the thought of walking another step? If so you should see a doctor. I am concerned for your health.
I hate you,
Dear hallway herd,
Just because there is a whole group of you doesn’t mean that I have any less right to walk down the hallway alone. I really thought I was going to be trampled today when you adamantly refused to let me by basically playing chicken as you all walked straight for me. Then you looked at me like I was the crazy one when I smashed myself up as close to the wall as I could to avoid being mowed over. You did this same thing when I was leaving and I had to walk into the grass because you were completely blocking my exit. Why do you do this? Is it a strength in numbers thing? Do you think you are better then me so I should move not you? I want to know!
Dear Lady in the Black Infiniti,
Hi! Are you turning? Cause your car thinks you are. Several minutes and several turns ago your left turn signal came on. What does it mean? Are you turning? I have been in full alert waiting for it to happen. My foot flexing in preparation to hit the brake whenever it is you decide to make that elusive left turn. The red light blinking at me....I'm turning....I'm turning. It taunts me because it knows that I sit here in my own car having no idea when the turn is going to happen. Why are you doing this? Did someone tell you how much this bothers me? Is that why it has now been another mile and you still have not made your turn? Okay we are at a red light surely you must hear the little click click click that your signal is engaged. Nope we are on the move again and the signal still blinks. Is it broken? Maybe I should just start to randomly blow my horn. Would that be annoying to you? Cause you are killing me......Oh finally a turn and what the ham and cheese its a right turn you are making! You were tricking me the whole time! You are so silly. Thanks for the little mystery play it really made my day.
Have a nice day
June 16th 10:00pm
Dear High beams Guy,
Don't be afraid. I am not a gang member. I am flashing my high beams at you because your high beams are blinding me. Please turn them off. Okay never mind then, just drive by and blind someone else. For the future you should make sure when you see another car coming you flick them off. I am not trying to tell you how to drive but its just common curtesy. Just so you know now I have a bunch of lights dancing in my vision. If I kill myself by running off the road its your fault.
Have a nice night