I don't care anymore

In my youth I used to care an awful lot about what people thought of me.

I worried that people wouldn't see me as being

smart

or funny

or pretty

or nice

I always tried to project an "I don't care" attitude but inside I was just like everyone else

hoping for 

acceptance

inclusion

respect

It took me a long time to realize that I can never be what everyone wants me to be.

I will never meet the expectations of everyone.

And you know what?

That's ok

I have to live my life for me.

I am a good person.....or at least I try to be

If I want people to respect me then I have to earn it.

And if I do everything I can and still don't get it from them well.......

that is their problem not mine.

I no longer worry if people think I am pretty.....I actually would like to punch my younger self in the face for even entertaining such bullshit but ahhhh youth and its vanity!

If you don't like me well.....eh thats ok.

I am an acquired taste.

I'm not for everyone and as long as I or you are not doing anything cruel to each other then.....whatever!

The only people right now whose opinion of me matters is my children

I occasionally stress out over whether or not I am screwing them up with my insanity.

I often worry about how they see me...... not only as a mom but as a wife to their dad and a person to the rest of the world.

On my desk at work I keep things that my children made or wrote.

If I am having a particularly bad day I will sit and look at those things and remind myself of what is really important.

Them!

Nothing else matters.

No one else matters.

They are my pride, my joy and my greatest accomplishment. 

I will share this with you.

Christopher wrote it for me when he was in first grade.

I keep it on my desk at work.

It always makes me smile.

Although in an earlier conversation today with Amber she said that her super power would be the ability to stop time.....so she can get all of her classwork done......yes these are the strange and randomly awesome conversations she and I have.

For me.....

I would like the ability to travel back in time 

and tell my younger self that in the end others opinions will not matter. 

Just be yourself.

For yourself.

And you will be happy!

Then I would punch my younger self in the face for being a vain asshole.