Friday, July 29, 2011

Pet Peeves, Complaints, Rants

I feel like a rant is in order today to start off the weekend.

How about you?

My top ten Pet Peeves for Friday!

1. People who read aloud while typing.
Why do you do this? Somehow you must know that it is not only annoying but you sound like an idiot. This is especially annoying when the person can’t type because then they are even saying the words slowly.

2. Noisy Eaters
What did we invite cookie monster to eat lunch with us? All I hear is ommm yummm yummm, lips smacking and the sound of chewing. You are so gross....I should however thank you for the five pounds I have lost since you started joining us for lunch. Nothing curbs an appetite like a noisy gross eater. Also you people who eat with your fingers....stop laughing you are just as gross!

3. Dirty Computer/laptop keyboards
As an IT Manager I find it extremely disturbing when someone calls for desktop support and I have to touch their disgusting, grimy, crumb laden keyboard. I get that unless you are experiencing a technical problem then you are the only one touching that thing but still....ewww. To make matters worse what they hell were you eating toast? There are so many crumbs between the keys its like god damn cement. That why the fracking F key isn’t working you idiot half of your lunch is smashed between it and the G key. Sorry, its just so disturbing. Heres a tip.....turn your machine off. Pick your keyboard up. Place a trash can under neath and shake the damn thing. Then get a rag spray some cleaner on it and wipe all that sludge off thats stuck to the keys. Ugh. You could feed Africa with your keyboard crumbs.
You will be a hero..... you slob.

4. Being put on speaker phone
Warning! the next time I call you and you put me on speaker phone without telling me I am on speaker phone I WILL say something embarrassing like.......”The doctor says the itching will stop soon”. Or “You have the crabs”. Or “stop sending me pictures of your penis/vagina.” Nothing is more annoying then being sneak attacked with the speaker phone. I am random. I say random inappropriate shit. I don’t want the whole damn office to hear. Also I may want to talk trash about someone....I don’t want them to know that I am mean like that. The speaker phone is for conference calls not because you want to look important or because your too damn lazy to lift up the receiver.

5. People who can’t control their children
Yeah I said control. I don’t want to hear any bleeding crap about....children should be treated like adults and respected. No children should be treated like children. I have yet to see a child be reasoned with. I have yet to see a child handle something maturely. Do you know why? Because they are Children! Stop taking the lazy route and letting them run around like maniacs destroying waiting rooms or stores and then saying stuff like....”Oh they are just being kids” or “They are expressing themselves” Bullshit No they are not! They are misbehaving because you are too lazy to teach them the proper way to behave. I have children. They are older now but when they were young I would say “We are going into the store now. Behave yourself or else” I don’t really know what the “or else” was. They don’t know what the “or else” was and neither of us wanted to find out so all was good. Teach them that the park or the back yard is the place for running around. The waiting room or the store is for quietly sitting. Smaller children who can not sit quietly should be entertained in some way. Read to the child instead of you flicking through a magazine while they run around cracking people in the knee with their toy truck. Bottom line stop being lazy parents and making up new age reasons for why you are not correcting, disciplining or teaching your children the proper way to behave.

6. Drivers who insist on pulling out in front of you like a nut and then drive ultra slow.
If you were in such a freaking rush that you had to practically kill me why the hell are you know going so slow? Did you realize you weren’t as late as you thought? 
Or are you just a dick?

7. Loud Sneezers
We get it you had to sneeze. Whats with all the drama attention whore?

8. People who spit when they talk
I took a shower this morning thanks. Say it don’t spray it. There are many little curtsey things to say when someone spits while talking but I like to say....”what they holy f is wrong with your mouth that you cannot contain your own saliva?” seriously people get that shit checked out. If you are producing as much saliva as an English Mastiff then you should maybe see a doctor. The gross factor is exacerbated when the spitter is also a close talker. Don’t bother trying to back up cause they will just keep coming at you until you back into a wall or into a street. 
Even then they will keep following you yammering on spit flying. trust me you will pray for death.

9. People who ask your opinion and then get mad when you give it
Ugh Ugh Ugh. yes this one is a three ugher! I HATE this. Do I even remotely seem like the type of person who would NOT have my own opinion? Then why ask me something if you just want me to regurgitate your own opinion back to you? For fracks sake if you want your own opinion then just ask yourself and stop looking for validation. Have some confidence....geez. The fact that you then get mad because I have a different opinion is insane. That is the whole point of an opinion....its yours! No one can tell you what your opinion stop trying. If you ask me if I think your skirt is too short...and I think it is then I am going to say “yes I think it is too short” I am not going to be mean about it thats not my thing but I am going to be truthful. If you say “do you like the show blah blah blah” and I hate that show then I am going to say “no that show sucks monkey ass” 
That doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you because you like it. 
It just means your taste in television sucks! 

10. People who stand to close in line or while sitting, standing walking....
There is a reason I keep looking back at you and its not because you are awesome. Its because you are practically in my ass. I expect this with my kids. Ever since their birth I am completely certain they are trying to get back into the womb. I have never sat on a sofa in their presence when one or the other was not completely molded against me. Don’t even try to walk with my daughter because she will trip you with her giant feet she is walking so close. I also expect this with my mother. It is common family knowledge that my mother MUST touch you in some when when she is standing next to you or walking with you. God forbid its a hot day cause that lovely woman who birthed, cared and fed you is gonna get pushed if she doesn’t give you at least two inches of space. She is also a close walker and will walk into you... then you will try to move.... she will keep coming. The next thing you know you are smashed against the glass of a clothing store and she is still trying to get closer. Sorry Mom...Love Ya. But all this is well and good when its people you love. When its some stranger who is freaking breathing down your neck its just creepy. Here is a scenario. I like to go to the movies by myself. I will pick a nice little spot just for me. The theater isn’t crowded I should be good. Then for some damn reason a fellow lone movie goer sits right the hell next to me. Why? I don’t want your company. If I wanted company I would have asked someone to come with me. It’s not my fault you don’t have any friends. 
Did you ever think your neediness is the reason for that? 
Space people its all about personal space. 
Lets respect it okay?

Have a freaky Friday!


Andrew Leon said...

I am so with you on #5. And so tired of people who cop out of their parenting responsibilities. Yes, it's hard, but that's how it is. Teach your children to behave! There's a reason we always get compliments about how well behaved our children are; we did the FREAKING work!

You may never see my keyboard. It's not all my fault. I have these kids that are constantly dropping crap on me while they eat over my shoulder because what I'm doing is SO interesting.

And I'm sorry for my sneezing. I hate it, too. I'm going to die, one day, from a sneeze-induced heart attack. Yes, those are real.

Anonymous said...

Is this going to be a weekly feature (pet peeves)? If so, I'm in! *lol*

Unknown said...

hahaha.... you're hilarious!

I agree with you on all of these and many are serious pet peeves for me, but I think the one that is the worst for me is the loud eaters. I've nearly inflicted serious bodily harm on the loudest of them near me, just so you know.

Lesa said...

I can't stand hearing other people's eating noises-- I'd rather hear nails on a chalk board!

I'm married to one of those sneezers-- I accuse him of over acting.

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